Unopened Letters

 I’ve wanted to be your woman over 20 years. I guess playing wife at school wasn’t enough. Am I foolish for waiting or does it all make perfect sense. I admit there were times I lost hope in us. But I don’t want to be lonely in this existence. Me wanting you had only made me feel more uncomfortable. I’m horny early in the morning. You’re not here to give me pleasure, my son is in my mother’s room so there’s no little feet under my thigh to make me feel uncomfortable. I’m missing you, far more than I’d been missing you before. What our future might bring I don’t know but boi have I been waiting. I think about mine and how it will compare to what your used to. Maybe I’m just young but monogamous relationships used to be all the rage.

Im weird is a word I’ve gotten so used to attaching to myself still trying to figure out why I use negative words to associate my awkward moments, as if life isn’t already filled with them. I guess it was more comfortable to me than “stupid”. It’s not like I was offended but it felt bad when someone says that to you. Why do we use such foul language towards people. Im thinking about bullying and the effect that has on people. When I was younger I felt like there was nothing I could do. Don’t even want to tell you my biggest fear. Something to do with handcuffs. How do I forget that moment. Here I am thinking the system will protect me but I’m finding myself on the other side. Disowned after years of policy intake and regurgitation what’s next for me. I became known as that friendly girl at you know where. What an anomaly I was. I find myself wanting to buy sexy lingerie just to lounge around the house in. But let’s be honest would he even want to see it. I’ve never really considered myself Sexi, but I am in ways. These pants are so comfortable I barely want to take them off.  I find myself wondering if you would buy me some from time to time. I find myself wondering what living with you will feel like. I should stop dreaming, should I anticipate being lonely all the time, having to find my way to your heart. I remember when I used to be in it. You’re probably the reason I looked forward to school having someone I could talk to and kiss from time to time. You were it for me, always afraid of being alone. As I get older I find myself Lonely and wanting you. 

Someone whose arms I can lay on from time to time, reality kicks in you still have to make music. I’ll still be alone. One of my fears is that I’ll influence your music too much. You’ll start to change. I don’t want you to change too much.

But that’s assuming I’m important enough to encourage it but whatever you blocked me again so I guess I’ll never know. I can’t even have conversations with you. This isn’t how I expected things to go. Anyway have yall checked out the new Weezy album. Carter VI. Fire thank me later.