BitterSweet

Today I’m alright. What I think and what I would like are often not the same thing. Why I have no idea. How do I connect all my senses so that I can feel like a complete individual? For a legit start I have to say good bye to my “husband” not because I want to but because it’s no longer safe to be with a man who continues to try and lock me away in your mind. Silence is a hell of a thing to break. So many women suffer abuse and control in many ways but do not speak on the things that make them feel less than human. There are times my husband makes me feel small, and I mean on a cellular level. Today I choose me. I don’t particularly know what that will look like yet in the sense of the choice but I know I can’t keep offering up my soul to be used as tribute for his damaged ego.

 I look into my son’s eyes and I know he deserves more than I have been giving him. I cannot allow my husband to steal my chance at being his mom. I admit I have been weak because I was afraid of being Alone. But who doesn’t have that fear, the fear of not having someone’s arm to call Home. I wonder if children ever worry about these things. They play pleasantly by themselves without a care in the world, without the fear of loneliness; the greatest thief of dreams. I can see my father smiling down on me as I write this from my front porch son hiding in a distant behind puffy clouds. I’d like to believe he made it into heaven, that lucky bastard. Sometimes we talk through the clouds, I see his smile how perfect his teeth were. I think to myself this is not the life he imagined for me. 

Step by step I will walk away with my control and I am sure happiness will find its way back to me again (or at least I am hopeful). My smile has since been buried deep within but I’m sure no one will be able to tell the difference. Real smile or fake, until you surface again. A kiss to seal our faith in these notes to self.