Love and Diagnosis

Oh how I love you with every bit of my being. You are an amazing person and everything about you screams perfection. I hear myself saying before I barf this delusion into the toilet. Personally I think I’m incapable of loving as deeply as I did in my teenage years. Your lack of phone calls once sent me into spirals of worry. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat until I knew you were home safe. Come to find out you were quite ok choking it up with the locals and even got a girl pregnant, Bajan Love.  What was wrong with me, I remember crying for hours on end and getting a lovely pep talk from my mom, it went something like this. “. Ah I see you’ve found love” much too early she was reluctant to say. “He may be the 1st but he won’t be the  last” WOW what a help that was. 

Who would have thought my husband would come to top that. Sending me spiraling into my own demise right into a hospital. I’d love to give the hospital a 5 star review and talk about the lovely decor and the wonderful aquarium filled with tropical fish that I found myself talking to at least two times a day (they were just so hard to resist). Not literally guys humor me here but nontheless I arrived. Making music in the hallways with smoke- something or another the rapper. Here you can be anything you want to be. 

But I chose to just be Brittania the quiet reserved black girl(who doesn't tell people she's asian so she doesn't seem too pretentious. i just figured it was obvious, see my eyes?) from the hood, surrounded by spoiled rich kids who use this as a place to get away from their parent on a few acres of land this place was like the X-men dormitories. 

I imagined myself as storm one day as we took the underpassage to get to the outdoor amenities as the storm raged on outside. Harder I screamed in my mind and the water poured down from the heavens. The girl in front of me just as enraged I could see her form her hand into a fist as if calling to the rain gods as well. When the rain began to pour down she turned around satisfied with herself as if she’d brought all this rain to earth. I wanted so badly to chime in and tell her I helped but who am I to rain on her parade. It was a one woman show after all I’m black it’s not like we have those god given abilities (Wink). 

I watched as the rain danced in the skies as if it were speaking its own language. If I had to guess I’d imagine it were saying “Hello” suddenly questioning whether I belonged to this special class of “rejects” completely forgotten by society as we deal with our “problems” and how the fuck did I manage to get here. Did I make a mistake when I asked for that free coffee from Marylous, definitely too much sugar or else I wouldn’t be here right now. Who else do I blame for my strange reaction to authority. It could also be this very real fear I have of anyone in authority. Yet still, I question them. Anyone can dress up in a suit now a days and call themselves Authority. Or maybe I watch way too much television. One visit to the airport without a booked ticket and I end up in the hospital. Ok there was that part where I sat down in front of the officer. 

I totally had a moment, like say that again, why was it so loud at the airport or was her speaking lower, and lower on purpose. so what happens next, should i sit. i feel like your looking to teach a lesson it’s as if he was speaking a foreign language I can only imagine what it feels like for immigrants coming to America for the first time never speaking English. 

Here i was a clear english speaker, being misunderstood by this authority figure.

Targeting happens, you never know when you'll get picked. Language Barriers, everyone has different communication styles. If your definition does not match your gestures you’ll certainly leave people confused as fuck. Body language is important, what does how your standing right now say about you? So how do you communicate love when we essentially speak different love languages. I see I got you confused there huh? Yea I do that sometimes I guess that’s what you call a “tangent” yea I run off on them sometimes but I promise it will all make sense when I’m done. Maybe I should have booked my ticket ahead of time. The last thing my husband said to me was maybe you do need to go to Jamaica and cool off for a bit. I didn’t really put too much thought into it I headed straight to the airport. I already knew where I was going to stay. I had enough money reserved, the only thing I needed was the ticket I guess this was strange behavior. Now everyone is looking at me with 5 heads. You went to the airport to book a flight to Jamaica? Ummmm yes. 

You can’t do that anymore. He says I’ve never heard of that so I guess that makes me “weird” assigning all these new labels to myself. He’s literally become the physical pain in my ass when I think about him. 

Do you have anyone in your life that when you think about causes you physical pain. I’m not sure I can do this anymore. And still, I continue. One must ask themselves is it the torture or self torment that I have become accustomed to or is there a greater lesson here. I haven’t quite figured it out yet but you’ll be the 1st to know when I get there. Yes, love hurts. It’s not supposed to feel good all the time or else you’d never grow as a person, how do you find the right one. I’m unsure, there’s no magic formula but you’ve gotta take chances. I imagine I ought to fall flat on my face a few times in my life so long as I keep getting up and trying again. I really should take more chances. After all I can’t blame him for suggesting I take a break, it was a great suggestion. It was my fail execution that requires work. Now I have this fun new diagnosis that i ought to learn in it’s intricacy welcome to Bipolar Disorder.