Face It

 Today is a beautiful day at least on the outside. Tomorrow hopefully will be better than today, I definitely woke up on the wrong side so frustrated at my circumstances in this life. Everyone just seems to want money we’re giving them everything they want by destroying other peoples lives. I’ve open multiple bank accounts now. but Peter stole all of my bank account information out of my valuables folder along with a bunch of other important documents. So as far as I’m concerned they probably took the money out of my account and closed it, I don’t even know. Everything I have was placed in the basement of his house. When I finally was able to get a storage unit I went back to get everything he told me everything was gone, taken by my mom when I went to my mom to confirm she said I didn’t take anything. Not only that she couldn’t gain access to the garage. So now I’m stuck between he’s a liar and she’s a liar. Anyways. They placed me on medication here at the hospital after finally destroying my stalkers car turns out it wasn’t his car to begin with that’s unfortunate. Hopefully he was able to put it through his insurance at least one of us has insurance. My dad‘s 2012 Toyota Highlander engine was destroyed it’s probably for the best though the thought process was completely different. He was hindering my growth I’m desperately praying for sponsorship so I can continue to drive my car. I don’t even think I canceled my first plates. Either way my car is sitting on Audi’s lot not even being driven because I ended up in the hospital shortly after buying my car because I was being harassed for my vehicle my keys were stolen less than a month into having my vehicle so that someone could drive it. I don’t know who the name of the person is but they will never have my vehicle. Feeling extremely depressed right now because of the circumstances of my life how do I even begin to improve them I feel like such a loner I didn’t really have any friends in high school I still don’t really have any friends my dad told me to stay away from friends, that they are bad and I believed him for a long time until I finally saw how he died lonely and miserable. I’m sure he blamed me but the true cause of his death had been due to the long term use of the illicit “medication” my mom was forcing him to take causing liver and kidney problems. While we’re praying for him to make it, she’s praying for him to die. I vowed to never die that way, but here lays B. My mom is a miserable bitch it’s not my fault that she’s it. It’s funny she compares me to the girls she works with clearly were different. She slut shames far more than the average mother. Calibers she taught me to fear men dislike men probably because deep down inside she was a lesbian too afraid to come out into the blue and admit that she likes women so she fucked up my relationship with men. In hopes I’d never find happiness that makes me wonder what exactly creates a Straight person and what makes a person gay? 

I hear my son is gay is that a result of my upbringing and not wanting to be around anyone that would encourage such behavior or is that a direct result of him being forced to be gay because his fathers gay but didn’t want to admit that he was gay. Either way sexuality is important so where do you fall on the spectrum. I think I’m somewhere between straight as a motherfucker and I still like dick I don’t know where that puts me but hopefully they get the message. Just don’t put me in a room with men born as females in male bodies, cuz they destroy women. I believe the proper terminology is Heterosexual. Being a blogger is interesting we write all these things in our phone until we finally get the courage to post something and then when we finally post the rest of the world decides whether to stay online or not an interesting life to live being so opinionated but yet afraid to share your opinion too afraid of the online backlash two afraid of the invisible people that they might one day become real and destroy you in different ways that you’ve never been destroyed. Frankly, i don’t think I’m ready. So what does one do you keep it all inside or do you finally release it and when you do release it would you be prepared for the consequences of your actions. My life has become like an ant mound filled with pebbles and rocks pushed by strong adoring ants until we can find a way out my interior confusion by this new array of stress. My room a place of refuge for many who are not ready to come out my ovaries scarred for they’ve been wounded by all that’s been going on I just pray that God renews them who do you want to have children with in this climate I remember giving birth to my son and thinking Donald Trump is our president. Hate is that real in our country people were dying just for being liberals and then I’m reminded of where I come from Jamaica where politics denotions left bodies in the streets of tivoli garden and emancipation park. To survive you must be Kut throat. So here I am straddling the fence after being forced to choose one side for my entire life and truth is I just want to know what it’s like to be on the other side but it’s virtually impossible being born this color. Brown. The color that I am so now I just wonder what would life be like if I didn’t have to choose democrat. I’ll probably never vote again and I know that’s a major slap in the face to all the women who died for our right to vote as women here in this country. Women Suffrage, I guess that never changes. I’d rather not do it then be forced to choose a side that I don’t really recognize at least not anymore too much control too much pressure to maintain self while preserving an external image that no longer represents my identity. I assume there’s a small group of people that can make food taste good with their spit. But for me I find that virtually impossible but the Italian wedding soup yesterday was fantabulous. In case your one of the many people who don’t know anything about me I’m at the hospital again for my first real reason. At first it started as abuse to control me and exploit my very real fear of the police, every-time I’m supposed to get my child back, creating a paper trail I guess he was trying to get me all caught up to date with all the other women who have been going in the hospital since they were children. In my country we’re taught to avoid the hospital at all cost. My only regret is that it was the wrong car that I hit or destroyed it should of been your since he had been stalking me for almost 3 years by this point. He created fear for me so I was too afraid to go to the police station to report. What a difference it makes.