Wreck it B

 

{I be your clown, on your favorite channel}

Today feels like it looks, miserable the rain is pouring down hard on my rooftop, im nerdular so im analyzing how big the raindrops are. Remembering that time one inch balls of hail left my car completely fucked up, much like my emotions right now. Crushing on someone is a big deal, falling in love with comes with way more responsibility.

 I’m filled with emotions as blood gushes to my pad. Totally TMI,  I know the female body is interesting just two days ago I made a phone call to red cross in hopes to get rid of some blood and god answered, as he often does, trying to trust him more and let him guide my ship. My life of sorts; is kind of in shambles. I haven’t been able to connect. I’m missing my friend, been talking to him since I was 12, and now I cant even get a text. There’s a void in my life all my closest friends have started peeling themselves away from me. The loneliness has started to set in, with no friends and no family. What should one do in their spare time. It's honestly given me time to really focus on myself.

My bills have started to pile up on me I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed but at the same time somewhat thankful for my freedom and my ability to drive this very nice Audi vehicle, though my buying experience was less than ideal and I’ve never had a vehicle towed from me this much, is that just an Audi thing they just like towing peoples Audi’s. I’m sure these two weeks will go by quick and I’ll get a regular check again. Thank god for financial freedom, well is it even financial freedom, if I’m spending all my money on bills. This hospitalization has set my raises back a lot and the Cost of living increase does not take place for a few mos., This has royally fucked up my housecome-Householdincome. So over it, I’m just wondering what’s next for ME, forget the personna what am i really doing with my life. I feel like i'm starting over..

 I haven’t been thankful for my life instead I’ve been in pain physically and emotionally. I feel heavy like the world has poured all of its pain into my body. The tears I do allow to fall are the heaviest raindrops on earth. I wonder will they land like rain drops do or would they hit harder, I imagine they’re somewhere between an earthquake and a tsunami. Are there people that can read tears? I know it’s a silly question. They say a smile can tell the world about you, I wonder what a tear can do.  Some people spend so much time trying to perfect their crying face, while i've never really looked at mine. Too afraid it will discourage me from crying even more, i welcome my tears at time, figure they're emotions i haven't quite gotten a chance to deal with; just let em run.

Every day is not supposed to feel good. I need a divorce lawyer and I am extremely unprepared for it or anything coming my way these days. I need some support but don’t even know where to start. Seems like more things are going wrong for me than right. I Just wish people would start writing me blank checks, so I can mail them to all my debt collectors, so they can get off my ass, I literally ate up all my reserve with this car, but I don’t regret it, ok maybe slightly. A Q3 might have been a better fit however I’m ok with the 5 for now, or maybe I’ll get a different car in a year or so. Either way Audi!

I feel weighty, what man is going to want to carry me when I am this big, ok yes i have body insecurities as well but don't we all. I owe the gym, crunch fitness. i miss working out, but now i have to wait to clear that balance, could someone. Please pay my gym membership for me so i can get in shape. I can’t even work out. By the way my name is BRITTANIA. Figured you should at least know my real name in at least one article.

I destroyed my neighbor’s car playing cop. I swear there was someone in the basement of my house. Personally, I think I defend my house way to fiercely. I was up early making my daily recording. Wiping tears from my eye. I like to record my feeling in a morning note to self. There has been this presence in my space that of a guy I had spoken to briefly. Then there was a knock in the basement and music started playing from the speaker in the basement. I went down to open the door and the door was locked. I circled back to Tyrone’s room, he was in there with his girl, uhm. I have a hard time connecting with females anyways, honestly don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fact that I think they’re trying to take my house, nvm my mom has made it clear that ill never get this house, how unfortunate. My Gucci belt is still missing. However, I’m wishfully hoping it comes back to me. I’ll have to check my closet. SMH. I have gotten into the habit of moving things around to make them less easy to find. No sure if that has worked to my benefit or not but I’m not really one to lose stuff. 

I asked if there was someone in the basement he said not that he knows of. I didn’t ask too questions, but someone was in the basement. I asked him to open the door, given the situation I could understand his apprehension. I was already feeling frustrated and I had my machete in my car, so I was ready for anything. The police were taking forever to come, and I was worried whoever was in the house might try to make a b-line for the front or back yard, so I started circling the house since they were too afraid to open the door. I was talking to the telephone operator while I was walking around the house.  Afterall my dad’s not here anymore so this had to make a point to anyone who was thinking our security would be compromised. I looked to see if there were any unfamiliar cars on the street. I had been living in the same neighborhood now for almost 15 years, I’m pretty sure I knew everyone’s car on that block. This one car looked like the assailant’s vehicle, I already had in my mind who I thought was in the house. Are houses easy to break into, I’m just curious. 

Anyways I took my sons wooden name plate out of my car, it was a wooden frame. I smashed the glass window, it was weirdly relieving feeling as though I got the “Person” but it was a false alarm, and now my ass is in trouble, but I’ll look however i need to look to protect my house, as we all should. Now it’s just a matter of working out the fine details. This has made me start to think am I “IT” the reason everyone will start moving out of the neighborhood. I hope I haven’t destroyed the block too much. I have apologized to them a few times, I honestly feel like shit, should have just left it up to the police but they’ve become hard to trust given what my husband has done to me. He created all these fake scenarios to have me hospitalized, that trauma runs deep. I still have dreams of being surrounded by officers, some are harder to wake up from than others. I’ve had to take my own protection into my hands with no father or husband to call my own to protect me. 

30 and single i didnt think id be here, I'm missing my dad, i don’t even remember his friends. I wish I had spent more time helping him bring his friends together. I don’t think having friends are all that bad, sometimes I wonder if he felt lonely in this life. Getting old is a scary feeling you start preparing to be comfortable when you stop working, organizing a house around everyones routine. Suddenly you start to miss the smell of bleach when you walk in. the things i took fro granted, warm cotton sheets. The smell of dinner already cooked when you come home, perfectly polished floors by a living expert. the accuracy and precision as well as care that my father put in everything is unparalleled. Smooth finishes on everything. You will truly be missed Keith Williams.