PS. I Love Maurice

My Dearest Maurice, 

Yo, you got me all twisted up in the game to think that I will ever let you go. Never.  I'm a Blogger Now at first it didn’t seem like a big deal, but there is nothing more important than having a platform to express yourself, therefore I am thankful.

The last few years has brought me much pain, your music kept me going. So I guess this is just an appreciation post. We go way back like bag juice and coco bread so this ago have some Patwa inna it for those who appreciate our culture. Although mi cyah believe seh ah from suh long mi know yuh, unless yuh have one twin. I remember when I first came to this country I was so obsessed with the idea of sounding “American”, I denounced my British Jamaican accent to fit in, i was afraid to speak in an apparent fear of sounding too Awkward. Now that i think back on it, i should slap myself. Just Be yourself. I just wanted to be a normal girl, or whatever that looks like. I used to study lyrics and try to imitate the artist, AZ lyrics used to be my bible to music so I could imitate the artist and sing the song sometimes. You never know when you'll get hit with that Name that verse line. Heck if i can even remember some names i just fell in love with the songs as they played from my JBL Speakers. Even better than the artist themselves. I miss when you used to sing to me, honestly those things i took for granted. Thank You. I sound better when my stomach hallow, we shared a laugh. I still owe you a patty.  Always on empty stomachs. I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s why it's been so hard for me to get into music too afraid of the competition. There is a collective of musically talented individuals that are are primarily responsible for the furtherance of our culture, it is no small task and you are in, so thank you! How we perceive ourselves and the world is through the language we used towards men and women. Being able to express your emotions in a particular way while expressing yourself musically is a gift. You’re Special, Thank you. The World is thankful for you. Music has changed so much since the 1990’s and there are far more websites out there with lyrics. The lyrics to your songs always set in just right, Duh. Mi Maujek, So much of who am is owed to you. We were just children, what do we know about love? That’s what my mom used to say. Throughout my teenage years i fell fell in “Love” with you we were planning a wedding, in our heads, that felt real. what happened? was the love we found at this age not (Teenage love) more precious than Adult Love, and who knows the formula. I needed to make sure. I valued the opinions of my mother so much, because she was a woman and they say "mother knows best", My mom didn't and a part of me believed I wasn’t deserving of your love, afterall she looked better. Look better doesn't always mean, love more. We all know she is. I was young, how could I be in love, and yet i designed a dress for when i would marry you, my friends suggestion, i always thought marriage was silly, or just a show for all the wrong people. Possibly why i contributed to the failed marriage statistic. I want something more Modern to be honest. It's hard to find someone to love. I also thought i could never afford a marriage, i guess i never found someone worth marrying. I tried to avoid filling myself with fantasies about things i didn't think could become real. I wanted to focus on school and getting an education after all i was only 16. Falling in love with a young singer who looked like my childhood love was out of the Question. I remember asking through the television, "Yo, could i marry you?". I couldn’t get the hearts out my eyes, I still can’t. I know I looked forward to school so we could talk by the stairwell, as a child, but I was in America now (2016). Maujek was gone, all i had was a VA address which my dad wouldn't give to me, probably because I would hi-tail my butt there. A part of him probably knew i'd find my way there. Below is an excerpt from my next book.

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I can’t wait to find an audio engineer that I feel comfortable enough with so I can finally respond to some of your songs. I remember my mom telling me I couldn’t do music. I couldn’t wait to get old enough to be able to make the decisions on my own. I was 18 when she told me she was pregnant and needed me to help her. I felt trapped in ways, but it felt good to be needed. You’ve lived, I have lived vicariously through you, trying desperately to avoid jealousy, I didn’t want to get too ugly. You didn’t have the same worries as me, I wanted you to live your life. I get it, its my fault. I wanted you to be serious about me. Our Marriage would not be “Traditional” but it will be close. Is it possible to even just be with one person for the rest of your life. If only the two are the same, where are you Maujek, my mind drifts back to you. Hard to start with any one song because there are so many that I love. Winner, I love this song, feel like I won the lottery when I met you. I was just so unsure about what love was supposed to look like. This is my response to your Fan Album, I know it took a long time, I had to think about some things, after all i had a lot on my mind. I saw my parents arguing and hardly able to be around each other. I didn’t want that with you. What was I asking for at such a young age? We explored ourselves, and different forms of communication, I don’t regret that. Christopher, music was all the reassurance I needed, you were the only one and still are one of the only guys on my playlist, obviously because I love you. Who could listen to that much Chris Brown their entire life, does that make me a Fan. But a Woman is supposed to be invested in her significant others career, right? When fan of a fan album came out I screeched. That fear come over me, what if it's not about me? I was too afraid to listen. I’m not a fan, I’m obsessed. I’ve loved everything about you since we were kids, I remember scanning the play ground for a man (that makes me feel a bit awkward to admit) I remember asking you if you would buy me a patty, (how mi love mi gut suh). You said I had to give you a kiss, I was like "OK", we spoke without words but you have to marry me, Muah, was that a yes? was it too much pressure, should i have asked so much of a man i just met?  i never liked applying unnecessary pressure. I had to think about the repercussion of that and all the other boys that would be lining up for a kiss. There was no one else, just one guy. Mi Chris I needed you to keep them off of me. I wonder how many miles away from me you are? I still remember our first kiss like it was yesterday, and all the other ones following that. How many times did we kiss that year? We spent hours holding hands and talking and planning, so much planning. Its best to do it good the first time rather than producing incomplete work. Something about perfection. The Indigo album, nothing short of spectacular. One Day you'll read this, how did it make you feel? I hope one day my childhood fantasy becomes real.  Our Kisses passionate, I’ve never kissed a man the way I kissed you, Still. How do I forget? I fell in love with your lips first, Your heart came later. Somewhere along the way we were disconnected. You wanted to wait until after marriage to have sex! I’d spend hours in the mirror after school kissing the mirror practicing our kiss for the next day. We didn’t have phones and I didn’t get to know any of your friends, it's not too late to try. When I left to America I was so sad I had no way to connect with you, thank god for our powerful minds and the ability to (Fill in the blank). Vaguely I remember you giving me your America address but I didn’t know how I would get to you, so I gave it to my dad, don’t ask me what he did with it. I cried for weeks because I wanted to go back to Mi Chris, I literally annoyed the mess out of my cousins the first year in america, i was 6, Jay, Junior, Dominique, and Chrissy. When Junior came it was a whole different party but I already talked about that in my book. Have you gotten a chance to read that yet? Yea I know it has typos. I need an editor. I’ve watched all of your docuseries, I think you’ve done amazing work. Im sure it takes a lot to organize this many people. I was captured by the government early, I guess it's a family thing. I wonder what I’d sound like if I wasn’t forced to sing to someone I don’t like.  Im motivated to find my way to a real studio at some point this month. I spent so much time in the car arguing with your thoughts on that heartbreak album, but I don’t think we had much of a choice, Peter wanted me, Asians are extremely aggressive. So are short people crazy by nature?, I’m kidding. Now that they got what they wanted I can’t wait to build a forever with you, in any capacity, never letting go. I’ve stood by silently watching the show, entertaining yes. Personally it's entertaining but I can’t just kiss you in my head anymore. Maybe I’m a bit too extravagant in my planning. I was thinking roses for the ceremony, ivory and red and purples for the reception. Maybe we could reincorporate the roses but as display, red roses would spell “Love”. There I go again planning, I’m sure today is the anniversary of our first kiss, our school used to start in January, or maybe my transfer came in late. It’s hard to imagine kissing you in the winter when your lips were so warm and inviting. Happy Anniversary. Im sorry it's taken me so many years to write about you I had to make sure you were prepared for all that comes with me. After all the internet is forever. Im making rice and peas right now and you’re on my mind. What would be the first dish I make for you, I’m unsure, But, Could we cook together? I want to taste your fingers, amongst other things. I don’t even know what you like to eat, it would be steak, I’ve decided. What’s your favorite cut? How lucky you are to have so many women begging to be your wife, I remember the age of the CB Wifey, I had to declare my place in Boston, I still can’t find that magazine with the dress I designed (I'll post a picture in my head), hopefully the reader can see it. I vaguely remember the publisher. Clearly I am too extravagant, but you are too, I can tell by your paddock. You’re always on my mind, hands still beautiful as the day we met. You’re the only man I’ve ever held hands with without fear, mi Jamaican man. I love you. All my thoughts and fears I laid them all out to your hands, we speak without words, what’s more magical than that. I can’t wait until my “Real” Wedding day, whenever that comes. Do you think Disney will film it for us? That is if it’s what you want, you know I was a Disney girl. I'm done being an independent woman, that’s what my mother wanted me to be, she turned me into a man to help support her family, then again isn’t that what all poor Jamaican moms do. I don’t ever want to be poor again, ive learned alot about myself through this hardship. When I was a child I remember thinking Christopher only wanted me because I had money. Your dad owned the shop, I wasn’t watching that though I had a lot of responsibilities so I slightly rejected you. For that I’m sorry, you know Jamaicans say mother has, father has god bless the child that has their own. I didn’t think you’d grow up to be so sexy, phew, Babe, I’m all in.

This has been the longest 28 years of my life. I hear your best friend and partner is having a baby, I couldn’t be happier. Looking forward to seeing that beautiful face, I’ve stopped talking to my best friend Eric. I don’t like Rumors much and he was creating quite a buzz in music city, I spent most of my childhood talking to him and we didn’t even take one picture together. Promise me we’ll take a picture together, no matter how “Fat” I think I look. I always want to be comfortable clearing my mind onto you and I want you to be able to do the same. So please, no secrets. Notebooks are important, please make sure you’re writing things down, not just lyrics. This is a MAJOR decision. I have been fantasizing of cruising up and down the coast with you, so let’s make this Real. NO pressure, this is a lot to think about..... Unless, im being Catfished.

                                                                            Yours Truly, 

                                                                                                -Racine-

PS. I love you.