Let’s Make it a Date

  Smith and Wollensky is calling my name, something must have happened I was just trying to follow up on an email I sent them about me and a “Special Friend” my attempt at being bashful. I had wanted to take him there in hopes that we could finally have our first date. I love this city I miss the castle though that space was special. Something about being in the castle made me feel at home, fit for a Queen. My fear is that my lover will pop up in town on some hidden mission to embarrass me and bring some fresh young dame while im stranded here in this distant paradise. Im not gonna lie fall river is quite alright.

Im craving their delicious mouthwatering porterhouse steak, memories flashed across my mind of Peter devouring his prime rib. I’d be lying if I said I didn't miss our excursions out on the town.

So many things have been happening to me and im pleading with god for something beautiful to come of the mess that my life has turned into.

Woe is me I shall cry I hope the tabloids are as up to date as my fears, nonetheless i've been feeling slightly available these last few weeks, minimal contact has brought me to tears as im sure he entertains himself with his fans all day I wonder if thats all I am to him, A Fan.

News has started to spread about my departure from boston, nestled ever so quaintly on the outskirts of what seems to be a well put together and colonial city I find myself walking the neighborhood with comfort. I like it here, this main road offers just enough hustle and bustle to make me feel like im still in the city. The colonial houses are big and grand beautiful I passed one with a wrap around porch which made my heart gush, another with a swing nestled ever so beautifully in the corner of the porch as the trees cascade around the house, shrub like willow grow to about 15 ft in the air to protect the privacy of the parties of the elite.

Low key hoping they've all heard about the peculiar black girl whos in town. Not that I’ve ever referred to myself as one. I was always told my black doesn't because I act white, so now I wonder am I good enough. My beautiful brown skin I began wishing Black when “He, who shall not be named” told me he wished i were black. I’d spend days in the sun asking her to burn me to a crisp. I now know he only said that because I had interest in the”Forbiddin Milk”. Riddled with slight insecurities I often wonder will I be enough for the next man that marries me. If I even fit the part. Fears of being in a similar situation to my previous, I’m not in a rush.

In my thirties and I am carrying these identity issues. I was born in jamaica to a dad that looked Blasian based on his eyes, and a mother who was Indian and African, my indian cousins We never even got to see each other, I grew up watching Hindi news stations but not understanding a lick of it. While all my neighbors spoke jamaican patwa, parts of me still feel as though me and my brothers share a different dad, however evidence I cant find. These hidden and traditional forms of communication I have yet to unravel. As memories of my father fade I begin to slowly come out of my self. The oppression i'm used to being under no longer exist I can be an adult in my own right.

My mom texted me today, its the first time time in forever that she has asked me how are you? I was appalled and shocked that she even cared. The conversation was interesting but after all they put me through, she is now going to be facing the same faith. That came back Quick, im sure she will find a way though. My time here is almost up I just wanted to post as I am missing garlic mashed potatoes and steak. Thank you for taking the time to listen to my thoughts, I value you.