Circus

As the night turns into Day, I’m stuck wondering when my life’s circumstances will begin to heal. Wounds as big as the Canyons surface upon my heart. 

My mind still stuck in the handcuffs that burn my hand from the last person who felt like I Deserve it for trying to explain the stupidity that is my Life.

It hurts being the only Educated woman in a house.

Suddenly my arrogance and trepidatious comments infringed up her intellect. How dare you use big words in this house, “simply your rhetoric” the thoughts come across my mind. How do you complicit what flows in complexity to a degree my mother could not begin to Fathom. 

How did you get this house? 

“I stole them from you” a truth that only I could hear. I do not want you here. A quick draw for the phone only 5 minutes into her arrival home while I awaken from the 1 hour nap I took on the couch prior to her arrival.

My babies arrival this weekend I looked forward to weekly. 

Another Hospitalization for lack of better words or understanding, why is she doing this to me? I had inherited my Latina from the clients I served through my most recent employment, as if the Cuban heritage that flows through my DNA was not evidence enough of love for Latin culture or my constant return to Aventura and Bad Bunny wasn’t enough Enjoyment.

My Heart grows tired of feeling comfort only in the confinement of my car. Homelessness a feeling I never want to feel again. Long pauses between breaths I am suddenly thankful for all the meditation classes I had signed up for prior to this experience. My education and research I am thankful for, even more so the conditioning and work that goes into preparing employees for self advocacy. No greater gift than having the ability to Advocate for your self. Is it the guilt that weighs ever so heavily on her face of her past transgressions that keep her from giving me the respect that I have so graciously earned. Is it the solidity of my reputation that bothers her, threatening her own authority as the rest of the world collects their evidence on who I am and who I should be based on the things that they have identified in me. Now everyone grows I. Curiosity about the girl that keeps getting Hospitalized on Glenway St, a cruel trick first started by my Ex-husband now grows rampant in our family. Since the induction of such an act. More 911 calls have been made against the breadwinners of this family, alienated and blacksheeped by the family we worked the hardest to protect.

who am I but a victim in this cruel game amongst abusers. Itching for an ounce of freedom so I can return to a place called home.

3 am draws near with even more of my fears bubbling up like a song by Anderson Paak. When will this end.

I lightly check on my house in jamaica and blow them a kiss, Homeless in America after working so hard with my dad to ensure that such a thing would never happen to me. Anything that has been done before can be duplicated, I worry less.

Thank you God for this life through all its difficulties, I thank you for the opportunity to shuffle my foot across the earth and the chance to pass Air through My lungs. I pray that the pain of my existence shall quickly subside and I shall be relieved of my heartache. Amen