Coated

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 As I settle back into the monotony. That is my life has afforded me. I questioned the things that have gotten me into the situations that I’ve been in since I’ve been here. I think it’s time to really evaluate myself, and whether I am the problem, no person in Massachusetts history has been hospitalized as many times as I have, the last doctor I met with told me that maybe it’s time to start internalizing the issue. So should I stop going to see my child so often, should I completely detach from him and pretend like he didn’t come from me? should I pretend like the 35 books that I read to prepare myself for motherhood was just research? should I pretend like I don’t deserve motherhood because of these so-called symptoms? Or is the fact that I’ve read my two siblings since the age of 11 enough to prove that I am more than fit to be a mom. Since the death of my father, my entire life, trajectory has changed, pointed directly to a pet somewhere in the ground. I guess I should start pretending like every claim that people make against me, is true now. 

I guess I should start believe in my haters over myself because their story makes better sense. 

I guess according to this doctor, I should’ve adopt other people’s attitude towards me as my personal beliefs. Or do I continue to listen to God and allow him to guide me. 

The only people that seem to have a problem with me, and my attitude is my mother, who is guilty of abuse from my childhood, and my ex-husband, who is guilty of physical and emotional abuse from my adulthood, and the childhood bullying that he attached to me. I Should I start internalizing all the things other people think of me versus the emotions and I believe I’m showing myself. I’m not sure anymore. My world has just gotten far more confusing than I would like for it to be.  I am filled with confusion as I move forward in my life wondering what normal is supposed to look and feel like. If you tried every psychological drug on me in the last six years due to unnecessary and excessive hospitalizations nothing seems to be working. When do I get to return to my normalcy? 

How do you treat some thing that doesn’t exist for everybody else but for two people, I feel guilty of t their abuse of you. 

would it be more fair to treat that than people who have the issues, then to treat the person who appears to be the victim?  And I want nothing more than to return to my normal life, to be able to find a successful job or explore my musical talents, and one day get signed by a record label to produce music for the entire world. This entire journey has done nothing but create more questions for my already incomplete identity. 

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