Renderance

I am rendered helpless, a place I never thought I’d be from employee to client in just one relationship. Who you are before you get married is not the same person that will end up on the other side. Choosing to get married is the most important decision you’ll ever make in your entire life, who that person makes you is another story. I find myself crawling to this small bottle of hydroxyzine, hoping that it helps render, the discomfort I feel inside of my heart, maybe I’m creating my own problems here but at least there’s a temporary fix. I seem to have forgotten which way is up and which way is down because while I’m in this place, I never thought I’d be. I’m trying to find comfort. Comfort in free housing, comfort in self. I am humbled by the experience hard to believe that I could be this destitute in a place like America in a place like Boston, waiting for Help to come from somewhere on the outside, because I am unable to help me internally. I find myself desperately reaching out to different people in hopes that someone will find relevance in my story enough to help me out of this pit that my family has left me in. I wonder quietly who I am if not the Brittania I used to be. I am unable to make music or pay for acting classes that I so desperately need so I can be a better version of myself these next upcoming years. As I try to better myself with photo opportunity, I reach out to various brands such as Nautica, Tommy Hilfiger and YSL because those are my root  brands. The Levi’s I wear wear thin from the excessive washing. I am thankful for such quality jeans as I think about what my own brand would look like here in this place called America. America has gifted me a room. No one has ever gifted me a room so for that I am thankful. I am making way even when it seems like there is no way. I never thought one source of employment could make such a huge difference in my life. Honestly, the only difference between poverty and wealth is an employer. You’re blessed to be one yourself if given such opportunity, I don’t know where my life will go from this point forward. 

All I know is I have this story that I have to tell, if even as a chance of light for someone down the road who is experiencing trauma, they know that better will come through documenting my journey. I am telling my story that’s all that we can do in this world, hoping that it gets picked up by the right person so that we can one day and make it onto the big screens so that your name can live on in history forever. I am not pleased with Gods decision to put me here. Answers seem to go on unanswered though I know he’s working in the background to better my circumstances. I wonder when I will start to feel grateful for the things that are already going good. It’s hard to see positivity when you’re so far deep wallowing in this depression, at least 60 feet below surface level, staring at the stars above through unclear waters, I can’t wait to return home so I can embrace the ocean again warmly. I have suggested a plethora of things to the President of the United States and the White House along with our new governor Maura Healey I am so proud of her accomplishments I’ve been hearing her name since I came to Massachusetts I am very excited in this decision, and I can’t wait to see how Massachusetts will improve having a woman governor, I hope so desperately to be a part of her team of advisers so that Boston can be the greatest city on earth. I find myself drifting into sports, falling in love with Jayson Tatum. His hard work has made the Celtics shine brighter than they have in years, his teammates follow suit the star team of the NBA, I’m attracted to stardom. The decision to like someone in such a Public Light only leads to questions of is it real? I know one thing is real my experiences on this earth. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me to read my entries I hope you never stop checking in, thank you