Divorced for Real

I’m for real Divorced, I can’t believe he wanted to be out of the marriage that badly. The last 10 years of my life seems something like a blur a bad blur, that I never want to be reminded of, I’m glad it’s over. Two glad bag full of water happy, Oh well I hope he’s happy with the result. I wanted two more children. Darien is too cute not to do twice. I guess now I’ll have to plan a future with someone else, that’s such a bitter age to have to start over. 33, Jesus. But, who am I to ask god what his plans are for me. A family that Prays together stays together. We barely prayed together. The house didn’t take so well to the two religions.

While Future & Juice World Fine China play in the back ground.

I didn’t know that my fingers could do it but I’ve worked my way into emotions out of loneliness. Going down memory lane.

I’m just going to write in hopes that my fingers and my body and brain are all still one. I’m taking a shot to that Bacardi Rum these days, I grew up on white rum, a taste too bitter to consider enjoyable but the feeling nice. Think I’ll take another to a better man. I’m content with the steady progress I’m making in my life.

I have a room of my own now, a place to call my own. I can’t see past the present. Things trouble me like when I’ll find another job or how I’ll be able to get my job and projects sponsored.

My whole life I wanted to be a state trooper, arresting, bad guys, and persecuting those that refused to uphold the law. After scoring highly on the police exam and not getting called back, I fell into this space of wonder and depression, why did I spend all those years in school if one test disqualified me from a future in criminal justice. 93 and I still didn’t make the cut. 

Now I sit here with all my experience and an inability to persue that career anymore. Considering I am now the bad guys. After experiencing my hardship. It’s hard to even find comfort in my skin anymore. It’s as if who I was, who I want to be are two different people desiring separation. Then there’s reality.

My Sons Report Card came. I was excited as fuck. 1St Grade antics. I have plans to build businesses and a giant hotel in the shape of a W. Where could I get the funding, I had plans on putting a library in my hometown.

Someone tell Boston Public library, I am alive not dead, my dreams have been tampered with. Not destroyed, I want more out of this life.

Missing all of my family and friends. Either way I just emptied my mouth on this toothbrush I was forced to store homeless style. 

I’d like to work with mass architects to design event venues.

 One month Later I’m still writing this blog.

Our life moved so fast, I didn’t know how to anticipate the next direction. I had overworked and involved myself in so many activities.  

I could see why people would say I was rich. Most of that stuff I finally got to do on my own, that was me actually spending my money on things. I enjoy rather than giving to my mom. For as long as I could remember I had been giving my mom money , not living a life worth much. Yes I was traveling but I was often alone in my travels. My birthday trip to Florida was my most memorable birthday gift ever. I wouldn’t really call it a gift because I had to spend a lot of money, but it was still a great experience, here I go again drifting off into things unspoken, my child’s father and I went to Florida for my baby Moon that was a special time. I had so much fun with this man we travel to Vegas, to watch Cirque du Sole, dined lavishly in places I had only read about in magazines. He was as good as a husband’s going to get. He also gave me a lisFrank injury. A rare injury. He’ll be on my mind forever, which is weird. I separate interactions with my son from interactions with him. I refrain from talking about his father around him. We visited Mexico together Cabo San Lucas. I still loved him. Now we’re getting Divorced, I need time and space to heal so yes. Let’s close this chapter. I had been homeless most of the year. I couldn’t focus on so many different things at a time.

As I sit here in complete silence I wondered who going to rub my feet. He gave me foot problems. SMH, or maybe he was just the first of many