Court of Pain

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Today I’m awakened by the aching reminder that I have court again, the issue from 2021 has dragged on into 2024, there’s nothing I want more than to be rid of this name and this person. I find myself having to prove my sanity when I’m the victim in all this , forced to use my body to protect my husband and my family from ragdoll to woman the reengineering of me. My fears led me into my own demise, I have no one to blame but myself. There are nights where I miss my ex-husband embrace that warm feeling of comfort, knowing that he’ll be there for me. Too bad they didn’t last longer than the 10 years that we shared with each other we never officially broke up with each other. That conversation was never had. All I know is divorce papers came to me via him and his attorneys while I was in the hospital healing, this is supposed to be a time of healing. I could’ve refused to sign them, but I didn’t. I gave him what he wanted no point in dragging on something that isn’t meant to be. He tells me now of his happiness and that he didn’t think that he could be this happy outside of me and Him‘s relationship, I don’t think I’ll ever find such happiness again unless it comes with a high price tag and I Having the money for such expenditures. I settled for him and he didn’t settle for me. He wanted better than me better than what I could offer. I was prepared to stay with him through this journey through thick and thin. I guess the marriage meant more to me than it did to him, as we grow our separate ways , the discomfort of having a broken family irks my heart, but there’s nothing I can do other than pray for a second chance with someone else. 

I am no longer in physical pain from my assault, but I am in emotional distress, which brings back the reminder of the physical pain. Not sure when my brain will start disassociating  that pain from my body, but painful of what used to be. Of who I used to be , my inside yearn to be ripped out and replaced by new flesh how do I deal with the trauma of knowing that my insides healed without the man that I love? There will never be words to express how sorry I am. I wasn’t stronger and I allowed this guy to use my body. Something about me was broken. Wasn’t ready to face the world. Something about me said not good enough. Something about my personality wasn’t right to allow such dangers to happen to me, I only hope I know better going forward. Never allow my fear to let anyone dictate my life again. All I have is today.

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