Love sick

 I don’t know how love feels. I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like I just know how I feel and I don’t feel like I love anyone but my son. I’m in love with Chris Brown to an insane degree and I just went to my first Chris Brown concert it was quite the experience six hours of absolute bliss. I would do it over and over and over again. I have been in love with him since I was three years old before he made music and went into his career I met him at a school in Jamaica. He introduced himself to me as Christopher Maurice Brown. I never knew that my love for him would grow into an obsession. I don’t know how he ended up In Jamaica or why he was going to mineral Heights primary school, but that is where I met Christopher Maurice Brown. I have followed his career throughout his entire life, and when he became famous, I was the first to cheer him on I’m not familiar with a lot of his mixed tapes and I wish I was but at the end of the day I am extremely excited about his progress in the music industry he has made Amazing strides to become this great musician that he is. He is an awesome performer I think about the toll this will take on his body in the long run and I am ready to ease his pain. But why me why would anyone choose me? I mean, I don’t exactly have the greatest self-esteem and I don’t exactly look the greatest. I looked better when I was younger, and the stress has taken its toll on my body. The last five years have been absolute hell for me and I am struggling to keep it all together. I am like a fragile glass ornament one drop away from falling apart. His performance made me realize how out of my league he was. He is just phenomenal and deserves a great woman. He deserves someone who can love him through his pain, heartache and distress. His children are his world and they are equally as beautiful as he is What I’ve learned from this love is that you can text someone for years and never really know that person. Phone calls are important and don’t give money to anyone. If they’re giving you money, I guess that’s OK but try to avoid giving your money away. I have spent the last five years documenting my journey on this blog sharing my experiences with the world and everyone in it I am tired of living in a shell or a bubble. I am ready to live out loud, thank God for all of the resources that are available at our fingertips we can share our stories with the world and give them something to read. Simply entertainment. 

I’ve learned that love is subjective and not everyone loves the same and you could be madly in love with somebody who is not in love with you at all, I believe those run against the minds of insanity, but who am I to judge. The doctors have diagnosed me with schizophrenia, a rare disorder, not quite as common as bipolar disorder, but I don’t believe I have schizophrenia, but I am very spiritual. I do spend a lot of time when I am alone talking to the dead and trying to connect with the world. Does this truly mean that I’m schizophrenic, what does a schizophrenic person experience on a daily basis?  I’m just spilling all my junk online because one day I won’t be alive and my son will be able to read these blogs and remember his mom through my words. I am hoping to also help other schizophrenic deal with their schizophrenia or symptoms related to their schizophrenia by offering my experiences to them. That performance yesterday was so amazing, I can’t believe he performed so well.

This man is truly underrated and more people need to know about him and his abilities. I’m always about spreading the word everyone needs to know about Chris Brown.. If they don’t already.

Regardless of how bad he treats me, I am an avid supporter of good music, and I hope to one day be able to create good music so that other people can enjoy my creations, so far I am the author of move away, Together, where were u, And a few other really good notes. My artist name is Chiney B I have just started my music career, and I am hoping to make music for the sad souls people who have lost love or have been taken for granted by love. I sing for the people who are down and out in love, people who have not decided to sacrifice who they are for the sake of love. 

One day, my writing will be so prolific that I will be featured in the Boston Globe or am I just dreaming maybe I will be featured in Cosmopolitan or maybe I’ll have my own section in Cosmopolitan or maybe never you just never know what this world brings you just have to go out there take a chance and see what happens When I started this blog five years ago. I didn’t think I would have any readers, but there are a few people that check into my blogs on the daily, weekly and monthly basis. I am so thankful for my avid readers and supporters. You guys understand me and get me take a shot to celebrate. I have been drinking 1800 tequila take a shot with me so that we can celebrate this journey or this milestone. Hopefully you’re not an alcoholic and I’m ruining your sobriety. 

If you are an alcoholic, please take a shot of some orange juice, replenish your electrolytes, assuming that oranges offer electrolytes. I don’t really know I’m not a nutritionist, but I know that it has citrus in it. Anyways, I really need to get focused on my own career and my music and making my life a better Place for me physically, mentally and emotionally.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my stories. It really means a lot to me. Thank you for being one of my little minions.Share my work with friends and family and hopefully you can comment on some of these and tell me what you think about what I’ve written. It’s one thing to get views and it’s another thing to get reviews. Sometimes I don’t always know if what I’m saying makes sense or connects with the people that are reading what I’m writing. I just hope that I am relatable in Some degree. 

Therapy has become an interesting session for me. My therapist doesn’t challenge me on aTherapy has become an interesting session for me. My therapist doesn’t challenge me on a weekly or monthly basis and I wonder what I can do to improve my relationship with her. She seems to just be collecting a paycheck from listening to me. Talk about my problems. I wanna deal with my inner black confliction and my self hate that I have but I feel like she wouldn’t identify with it not because she’s white, but let’s just be honest because she’s white. I feel like for so long white people have been the prize possession of society and Black people are fighting for a position in the world. She’s telling me that my race has nothing to do with me, not getting hired by the Commonwealth but ever since they fired me after I got disabled, I have not been able to land another job with the Commonwealth of Massachusetts and I am highly interested in working with the state again. I was such a great state employee. This really deserves to be looked into. I was wrongfully terminated. I was terminated shortly after becoming disabled because I recorded a meeting because I couldn’t understand what the manager was saying she was talking really fast and telling me that I couldn’t get an accommodation. My mind had been beaten up by that point and I had been hospitalized more than 10 times so I was struggling to comprehend what she was saying to me regarding my work and my progress. So I recorded the meeting so I can listen it back. It was for my own personal purposes, not for me to use against her in any facetious way. My job was not willing to listen to me instead they fired me. Some people can write something as simple as a tweet and go viral. Some people can write a book and go viral some people can end up in the New York Times from one book. I’ve written three books and I have yet to get a review from the New York Times. I don’t know how to use the Internet to my advantage so I’m doing the best I can With what I have either way I feel heard or listen to at least because people are reading what I’m writing I don’t really have any opinions on their reviews because they haven’t given any reviews of my writing so I don’t know what to think. Why do people want to even read my writing? I have no idea. I just use this as an online diary I’m not getting reviews on my writing, so I don’t know how you guys feel about the stuff that I’ve said on my page, but I hope some of it resonates with some of you or all of you.

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